Thursday, April 18, 2013

I Thought the Apocalypse Would Be More Exciting Than This

Morrigan's Cross

by Nora Roberts

Published by Jove

1 Out of 5 Stars

Take one dead sexy vampire
+ one dead sexy sorcerer
+ one dead sexy witch
+ one dead sexy queen
+ one dead sexy shapeshifter
+ one dead sexy vampire slayer
= one hot mess

This is just . . . well, indescribable.  I found this book on my bookshelf the other day and couldn't believe that I had ever purchased a Nora Roberts book.  A quick look at the back cover held part of the explanation:  "A battle is brewing between the forces of good and evil--a war will be fought across the planes of time--as Lilith, the most powerful vampire in the world, gathers her dark minions around her.  The goddess Morrigan rises up to stop her--and with her, a circle of six . . ."  Okay, maybe not high-brow literature, but it sounded pretty kick ass--I mean the Morrigan, the three-phased Irish goddess of battle?  As I was reading, the other part of the explanation became evident when the receipt from Sam's Club fell out.  I apparently only shelled out a couple of bucks for this when I bought it.  I like to think that, if I had paid more, I would have investigated a little further as to what exactly I had in my hot little clutches.  Oh, sweet irony, I've managed to book rape myself.

I'm all for a little mindless brain candy; after all, I willingly admit to enjoying Sookie Stackhouse novels.  The problem with this book, however, is that Roberts has thrown in every fantasy stereotype and stock plot available to her.  We have time travel, we have locales that lend themselves to fantasy (Ireland--both 12th century and modern day--and New York), vampires and wizards, unspeakable evil versus unbelievable good, alternate worlds, a final battle pre-ordained by the gods, and the list goes on and on and on.  And so do Roberts' descriptions.  Never, not once, did I  have to wonder about what the quilt on the bed looked like or the glass from which a character drank.  Her color descriptions read like paint swatches from Sherwin Williams.  For all this excitement, the plot basically boils down to the following repetitious cycle:  train with medieval weaponry, cook a meal, train with medieval weaponry, discuss magic, train with medieval weaponry, and have mind-blowing sex.  This is, apparently, all that's required to stave off the apocalypse. 

And who has instigated this apocalypse?  Lilith, the world's oldest and most powerful vampire.  However, her motivation for this apocalypse is standard issue power-hunger with only nebulous explanations as to what she actually plans to do with the world once she has it.  She spends her days skulking around the caves off the coast of Ireland, wearing sumptuous clothes (oh, except, for when she's lying around bare-breasted in bed) while preening, whining, and bitching about how, damn it, she can't see her beautiful self in the mirror.   
And Morrigan?  She just pops in every now and then like a good-natured fairy godmother wanting to check on the fate of our heroes. 

Will I be able to resist reading the rest of the books in the series?  That would be a hell yes.  Now please excuse me while I trot on over to Swaptree to hopefully swap this piece o' trash.  


  1. The most peculiar thing about this isn't that you have a Norah Roberts book... but that I, too, have the same Norah Roberts book. It was given to me as a gift by a person who clearly doesn't understand me. The fact that I accidentally own this is what has kept me from giving you a very stern look.

    P.S. You've got a helluvalot of reviews up on here and I'm in the mood for some new reading material, as classes will soon be over and I'll have a summer without required reading. Time to explore!

  2. P.P.S. I haven't read this book... It's just lying on a shelf at my mother's in my old bedroom, but I can say that without a doubt--without reading a word of it--the most sparkling thing about it is your review.

    1. Dear God, who book raped you? My suggestion would be to leave it lying on the shelf at your mother's house. It is so very, very, very bad.

      I've been steadily moving my reviews over at a rate of two a day. This is my escape hatch in case Amazon decides to do something unsavory with the Goodreads site.